Going With Your Flow Part 2: Protecting Your Joy
This is part two in my Going With Your Flow series, where I break down and expand upon the workshop I did for RWAus in August.
Today I’m talking about protecting your joy.
I think joy is not only important, it’s essential to the sustainability of your career and your life.
I personally find that when I’m unhappy, my productivity suffers. Massively. When my joy is threatened, when I’m not LOVING what I’m doing, things feel so much harder than they should.
One of the biggest keys to protecting your joy is knowing yourself, finding what it is you LOVE, and being willing to say EFF YOU to the ‘you shoulds’.
Here’s what I mean by that….
Other people’s drama bothers me. A lot. Like…a lot a lot. I’m sensitive (overly so) and I’m a fixer. When people are upset, I want everyone to hug it out and be happy. When people are upset…I start wondering why I’m not. And I get upset by extension even if it’s not something I should be upset about!!
As a result, I’ve learned that author loops are not MY friend. I felt like, when I started, I needed to be a part of ALL THE LOOPS. Because I was published and it was an honor, etc. And the information! Everyone told me I NEEDED to be a part of them for information!
Those things are good, and loops are not inherently bad. But they were bad for me. Whatever they offered did not surpass in value what they took from me.
What do you LOVE about being a writer? Personally, I love the writing part. So anything that makes me feel MEH about that, be they bad reviews, loop stress, or filling my time with too many extras…well, they have to go.
Does blogging make being a writer feel like a drag? Don’t blog. Do you hate Facebook? Don’t be on it. Does Suzy Author’s new book deal make you feel bad about yourself? Unfollow her. Or get off twitter. Are you overcommitted to GOOD things? Chapter meetings, speaking engagements, critiques…so much so that you feel drained? That you lose the love for the part that used to make you happy? Un-commit. Because your joy, your love for what you’re doing is paramount.
And speaking of Suzy Author and her book deal…I know you’ve heard this before: Comparison is the thief of joy.
This is so true. Never forget that your journey is your own. It belongs to you and no one else, the same as someone else’s journey is THEIRS. What happens to them isn’t to hurt you and it doesn’t detract from you…unless you LET IT. And you shouldn’t, because you’re guarding your joy.
The other part of protecting what you love is protecting your family. When you guard your joy, when you build tall walls around it and decide that no one from outside that wall is allowed to breach it, everything is better. EVERYTHING.
Save your love, your energy, your joy for the important things. And don’t give anyone or anything else a foothold.
It’s actually a pretty simply sorting process. What makes me unhappy? *kills with a stick* What makes me happy? *embraces*
At the end of the day, advice on what you should or shouldn’t do is fine, but it’s not one size fits all. And trying to do ALL THE THINGS or just things you don’t like could do much more harm then good. Okay, list time.
Bullet points, playah.
* Is the gain worth the loss? – something isn’t really valuable if it doesn’t add more than it takes!
* Stay away from things that are toxic to you.
* Stay away from toxic people. – I’m just going to throw in here that I once had to block an email address of an author who was sending me UNKIND things. Other people could have dealt in another way, I had to ensure it stopped happening, because it affected my ability to work.
* Don’t overbook yourself. Tired = cranky. Which is not joy.
* Let yourself love what you do. – I said this in a previous post, but seriously…let yourself love what you do. Glory in your achievements. Be proud of a sentence you wrote. Or of a scene that turned out well. REWARD your hard work. Without reward, you’re just putting out without ever filling back up.
* Cover your ears and hum. – some days, too many opinions, too many blog posts, too many PEOPLE TALKING can just…stir you up. Well, it does me. And again…unhappy…no writing. So some days you have to pull your head back in your shell and work like you’re the only person on the planet.
* Identify the things you love and protect them at the expense of everything else.
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I am riding that dragon and carrying a big stick to whack those toxic people and thoughts away from me.
Ok am *sniff* over this. Cos I needed someone to tell me! Am also fixer. Maaaaaajor time suck. Thank you, Maisey, for all the honesty and the sharing. Am now going to finish editing my first book at the very same time as wielding a large stick = empowered!
Marcie: RIDE IT!!
Maggie, hooray! I’m glad you’re empowered, and that the post was something you felt like you needed. Good luck to you!
Good post. It’s so easy to get yourself into habits that suck the fun out of this writing stuff, and before you know it you’re wondering why you ever bothered in the first place. And it always shows if a writer is doing things, social media etc, out of a sense of obligation and doesn’t want to be there. That’s why I always say choose the social media platform that you like and you “get”. So it’s not a chore, it’s fun.
Just now, after having a lot out in a short time I’m free of deadline pressure and am not currently under contract to actually deliver anything. Which made me think, if I wanted to, I could stop right now with no consequences. So I asked myself, do I want to stop or do I still love doing this? The answers are “no” and “yes”. It’s still fun and satisfying. Some things are a bit of a pain, but that’s the case for any job of work. As long as most of it is not, then I’m doing okay.
A question for Fixer Maisey:
How did you approach the subject of boundaries with the people who kept coming to you with problems? I often find myself at war with the part of me who wants to be a good friend and be there and listen, and that part of me who wants to, you know, get shit done. I’ve lost whole days before to friend meltdowns, and I can never seem to extricate myself from those situations, because how do you say, “Gee, friend (or mom or whoever), I know you’re upset, and I’m sure to you this is a really big deal, but it’s my only day off this week and I’d really like to work on MY stuff right now” without sounding like a douche?
Liz, I have to say…I have a hard time with that when it comes to REAL friends still. Which is one reason I turn off loops. Because I might like those people, but they aren’t essential to me. Which means their problems are NOT MINE.
But with family and friends, I do often say: I write these hours. This is when I write. If someone calls, I’m kind of short sometimes because…I’m at work. I had to get kind of hard about that recently because I was giving too much. It’s okay to do that sometimes, but I just CAN’T all the time, because it’s something only I have to deal with the fallout of, so people will continue to do it without even realizing what it costs.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
I’m going to post this on my wall above my desk space. Amazing quote, Maisey, and it’s so true! I do it all the time, and I catch myself. And it’s not just with writing. I do it with school work, with career aspirations, etc. All bad stuff, really.
One of the things I find myself doing everyday is having to ask myself, “Why I love to write?” or more particularly, “Why am I writing my current WIP?”
And every day my answer is “because I love to read.” I want to actually have something tangible to read after I’m done. That and I don’t want the story and the characters jostling around, occupying my thoughts all day. The process of writing, I hear all too often, is carthartic, and I totally agree. Hitting my daily word count goals feels mind- and mood-cleansingly awesome! 🙂 It really does becoem a high once writing becomes a habit. I’m a zombie when I’m in the zone, and I actually get really depressed when I’m pulled away to tend to other life stuff, like school homework, family commitments, etc.
So yeah, thanks for posting. I always enjoy reading your blog.
All the best,
Muna