The Expectations of Well-Meaning…and Not So-Well-Meaning, People
I’m going to do the drawing to see who won The Argentine’s Price later in the week, so you can still comment on the post below or your chance to win!
In the meantime…
This is a subject I think about a lot. Because it really has an effect on my real life. I’m talking about the PEOPLE in your real life, and what they think about…well…your writing. About you doing it, about what you choose to write about.
I was raised in church and I remain involved in church. I started out in a 5K member church, and went there for the first twenty years of my life. My mom worked at the church, my dad led a worship service at the church. I got a job at the church coffee shop, which is ultimately where I met my husband. Who also sang at the same church.
We aren’t at that church anymore and haven’t been for about five years, but a lot of the ties there remain. We still attend church and we’re still involved in music.
I give you that bit of background on myself so that this next part makes sense.
When I first started writing romance, it was hard for me to let people know what I was doing. (And I mean right at first. When I sent off His Virgin Acquisition, it took me a couple of weeks to tell my mother it was to Harlequin) I never talked about it with other people, not just because I knew I was likely to face disapproval, but because I didn’t think it would work out anyway.
Then it did. And that was great. I was thrilled. At that point, my family and my closest friends knew what I was writing and I didn’t have to fear any judgment from them. Quite the opposite, they’ve always been very supportive of me.
But it’s a mixed bag. Not everyone is thrilled to hear I’m writing romance, though most people don’t react strongly. (A lot of people laugh, and that’s less about judgment and more about…well, people being weird, but more on that later on)
As I’m writing, I sometimes realize, my pastor’s wife might read this. My mom definitely will. That derails things pretty quick sometimes. (though my mom never has a problem with my books!)
That’s when I have to take a breath and ask myself: How’s it gonna go? Am I going to write to try and please others? Or am I going to serve the story?
In my circle, opting not to write Christian Fiction is kind of a big deal. (When are you going to write a book like Francine Rivers?) Writing romance, secular, sexy romance…well…you can imagine I’ve gotten some wide eyed looks.
I’ve also gotten a whispered, “I love those books.” And also a “Of course you write romance, look who you’re married to!”
People have surprised me in both good and bad ways. People I thought would be judgmental…haven’t been. And I’m glad I chose to write what I wanted to, and not what wouldn’t make waves.
Actually, I’ve probably had to deal with more judgment from those outside of church. People who want to know why I don’t write something else. Why I’m not writing the next Harry Potter. (I’ll do it later, I just don’t FEEL like making a bajillion dollars right now…kthxbai)
And then there’s the people who laugh. Person: What do you write? Me: Romance. Person: BWAhahahHAHAHA!! With Fabio on the cover? Me: |:/ With USA TODAY Bestseller on the cover actually. BOOM. (Occasionally THAT is met with a blank look and the question: Why no New York Times? or What’s that? But I digress.)
The point is this. No matter what circle you come from, not matter who is standing in the background waiting to judge you for your smuttiness/non-literaryness/all of the above…write what makes you happy.
Now, you may not want to write something that polarizes the people in your real life, and that’s understandable.
I chose to take the chance that I would seriously alienate some people with my sex scenes and my PG rated swearing.
But I’m glad I did. Because I’m writing what makes me happy. Because more and more I find myself free to tell the stories that are in my heart. Because I believe, and some people might have a hard time believing this, that this is what I’m supposed to do. That it’s part of God’s plan for me.
Make no mistake, people in your life will offer opinions. Some will laugh, some will scoff. It’s one of the reasons people take pseudonyms: So they can write without worrying about what they write affecting other parts of their lives.
For me, the occasional stupid remark is worth it. So is the judgment, silent or not. Because I love what I do. I’m happy when I sit down at the computer. If I was writing something else, writing for someone else, I wouldn’t be happy.
That made it an easy decision for me.
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You’re right – HE planned for you to write what you write. We must follow the fire that burns within us.
I’m not even published and I already get the down-the-nose-look. Not all because it’s romance (most are) but because it’s not Nora Roberts romance, it’s Harlequin.
I have a friend who expressed interest in reading what I wrote. The first time I let someone I got the vague ‘it’s good, but…’ and they didn’t go further. So I decided no friends will ever read my stuff again. But this person I really believed she’d tell me the truth. I gave her 10 pages to read. She said she read them. And? She said she made comments in the margin. Okay great. But then she wanted to read it again. Okay, cool. But then I never got it back or heard about it from her again. Oh, I asked, but she made some vague noise. I have no idea if she liked it, hated it, or was jealous of it (this based on comments made about other things in general).
It’s quite sad that sometimes we have to hide who we truly are from people who say they are our friends. I just don’t share my writing or talk about writing with these people anymore.
The first time I let my sister read what I was working on, I rather naively just sent the first chapter that I was working on. Yeah. That garnered me a comment about how romances have changed in recent years and maybe I didn’t need to write on like that. No, she doesn’t read romance.
Now she keeps asking how it’s going and I keep avoiding the topic. I just don’t want to share the work with her, no matter how supportive she sounds.
“You can please some of the people some of the time…” yada yada. (((Sigh))) – it’s always going to be like you say Maisey I’m afraid! When I tell people that I write historical romance aimed at Mills and Boon it normally goes like “OMG *not* Mills and Boon surely!” When I say whats wrong with M&B they look horrified, and quickly change the subject!! Hey ho. But I’ll bet my last penny they have NEVER read a Mills and Boon in their life! But I love your line “With USA TODAY Bestseller on the cover actually. BOOM.” What I’d give to see their expressions! Caroline x
Marcie, I’ve sort of discovered…that unless you are Nora Roberts…earning respect from the majority of people is…unlikely. And that’s sad! But that’s why I think following your passion, as you said, is so important. Then you can have utter peace about your path.
Julia, it is hard. My mom reads my books and is fully supportive and my best friend, who is an epically successful horse rider and trainer, reads all my books and seems to really get me and want to understand. My dad and brother are proud but don’t read them. None of my other IRL friends get it at all. When I sold to Harlequin one of them said ‘I put some fan fic up on the internet.’
Caroline, that’s the thing. You just can’t please people. So you have to please yourself. 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote this MAisey!! It’s a topic very close to my heart because like you I grew up going to church and all my closest friends did too. Some of us are more involved than others now but we all still strongly believe in God – just go about it in our different ways. Still writing sex is something that I often worry about and I think that can show in my writing, which I don’t want it too. I’m now trying to block out possible opinions when I write and just write from my heart. x
Hi Maisey – what a fab post you have written. I can really relate to it.
Initially I didn’t want to tell people that I wrote *whispers* romance. And to tell them, yes, I’m targeting Mills and Boon, well that was another story.
Then recently I decided to be out and proud, I love what I write and am not ashamed of it. Since then I’ve had a variety of comments and most have been positive 🙂
BTW – I loved your line ‘I’ve also gotten a whispered, “I love those books.” ‘ I’ve had a few friends confess that they too love romance 🙂
**Rach – well said “..I write and just write from my heart”
Rach, it’s just as you said. You write what comes from your heart. What you love and what resonates with you. It can be hard when you’re worrying about what people might think. And I do it too, sometimes. But I come back to the fact that, as you said, your convictions and beliefs are quite personal. I can’t really worry about what might strike other people wrong, because I feel like I’m supposed to write these books, as I write them.
Joanne, it’s amazing how many people do love the books, but you wouldn’t know it until it comes up you write them. Lots of women in my church read them. My hairdresser and the front desk staff. The receptionist at my dentist’s office. They far outweigh the idiots, and they’re much more fun to talk to anyway!
I’ve concluded that I need to write what I need to write… and I’ll figure out the rest later. Presumably I can sell something sweet(ish) under my own name to recommend to Great Aunt Agnes, while letting ‘Chelsea’ write Blaze. What can I say, it’s a work in progess 😉
Chelsea, there’s nothing wrong with that! You’ve found a route that makes you comfortable and happy and that’s what it’s all about! Me, I’m far too narcissistic to put someone else’s name on a book. 😉
I write what is in my heart, and then I re-write it loads but I don’t share it with family or friends. Not because I’m embarrised but because when ever I read a mills and boons or say I’m doing some writing they always chime in with change the names and mix the chapters up. I ended up not bothering because then I don’t have to say that it doesn’t work etc etc. As for sex, well I try to make it real, I have read some where it just doesn’t ring true and I don’t like that. I have no idea if I’ll use my name or another as my name googled gets you some odd stuff, maybe another name would be good :o)
SJ
WOW, thanks for this! I do wonder (when I get pubbed) what reactions I will draw with my contemporary romance writing (even with mild sex scenes/language.) I have chosen to put the needs of my characters first and stay out of it personally. But I do occasionally look to the heavens and ask The One if I’m barking up the wrong steeple. I suspect most of this is a fear of what those closest to me – and those churchy folk – might feel or think. But any other kind of writing feels false, so I keep at it. 🙂
SJ, All you can do is do what makes you comfortable and what makes you happy.
Jessica, I’ve been there. But I’ll tell you, every time I’m stuck on a book I pray and ask for help making it the book it’s supposed to be. So in the end, I always believe it’s the book I was supposed to write. I had a chat with a Presents author, very early on, who was very involved in her church and had some trouble when she got published with Presents. But she told me she’d tried to get published in inspy and had had no success. Then she felt prompted to write a Presents, sex and all. And that was the book that sold. She’s never doubted that Presents was where she was meant to be.
That conversation meant a lot to me and has really stuck with me.
As does this one, Maisey – it’s not something that’s talked about often so it’s good to know I’m not alone! <3
I can certainly relate, Maisey, as you well know 🙂 Sometimes though I feel like the prejudice is in me rather than other people. I say I write romance, and then I tense, waiting for the smart remarks about writing sex scenes or how it’s all so formulaic–and yes, sometimes I get those remarks, but they’re almost always out of ignorance rather than malice. I’m proud of my career and what I write, but I also know in my real life circles it’s kind of… surprising. And I need to get over that as much as anyone else does! Incidentally, I just had one of those whispered ‘I love those books’ moments.
Jessica, you most certainly aren’t!
Kate, knowing you has been such an encouragement to me…and I have to confess…some of the problems are with me too. I expect to be judged. I’ve been afraid to go to new bible studies or get togethers because I’ve been scared people wouldn’t accept me. And in truth, most people have been fine!
Thanks for being a trail-blazer and stoaking the fire for those of us that are trying to be brave:) Heres to breaking the mold!