No Sir, I Don’t Like It
I feel that way about each and every one of my books several times during the writing of them. It’s this strange and mystical thing I like to call…”My Process”.
My Process includes much pacing, eating of cookies, angsting, drinking caffeinated beverages, etc. It also includes…
I SUCK. THIS SUCKS. I SUCK SO BAD!!! *wails*
Now, there are times when this is your gut telling you something. (Lynn Raye Harris just blogged about similar) But there are, I have learned, also natural points in a MS when I just feel this way. How can you tell the difference? Sadly, I think you have to write through it.
Writing through that terror is something that I’ve had to learn to do. It’s not natural. What I want to do when I feel that way is CRAWL INTO A HOLE. I am an imposter. I am the great pretender of romance novelists. I have no business trying to write a book. Cue cookie eating, angsting, etc.
I haven’t figured out a way to NOT feel this way while I’m writing. If I do, it will probably mean I have taken up drinking. And in that case, the pain will not be gone, it will simply be dulled by a blissful haze of alcohol.
But what I have figured out is that it’s not allowed to win. It is not allowed to claim my writing day, it is not allowed to bum me out. It has to lose, because my book HAS TO GET DONE.
So when I start that scene and I think…oh blah! This is dreck! I am awful! *pounds fists on wall* *chucks toys out of buggy* I write it anyway. Because, and I tell myself this the whole way through, I can stop if I’m wrong. I can delete it if it’s bad, but WRITE THE WORDS, DUFUS! (I’m talking to myself. I am mean to myself. I took my cookies AWAY from myself for being such a whiny crybaby)
Do you know what I’ve discovered? 9 times out of 10, I don’t have to delete it. I may have to go back and deepen it, make it a little less blerg, but I usually manage to get the right thing down, more or less. And that’s better than getting up from the chair and wasting a whole work day. Conquering the mountain, even if it’s tough, is much better than standing at the bottom saying you can’t, or shouldn’t, or don’t wanna.
So yeah, all that said, sometimes you have to power through it. And sometimes you have to commit to writing recklessly. You can always edit the crap later. I think Nora said that. Nora’s a smart cookie.
mmm…cookies!
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This is why so many authors hung out in bars.
There are a couple of points in the first draft when the doubt crows are most numerous. The only way I’ve ever been able to deal with them is to just write through them, no matter how big and scary they are. I keep thinking of that scene in the Batman movie. Bruce is in a cave filled with bats and he forces himself to stand erect as the bats circle him. It feels just like that. Sometimes I close my eyes, but I try to keep going all the same.
For me it is chocolate that gets me through. I seem to go from tremendous highs to the depths of despair whilst writing. It is both scary and heartening that you go through the same after publishing your work. I need to get to the point where I send my work out into the public arena. Meanwhile make sure you have plenty cookies in the cupboard and keep writing. Mx
Julia, I love that image! And yes, that’s how it is sometimes. And I too have to just close my eyes and press forward sometimes, and ignore that awful sinking feeling in my stomach that says I’m no good. Because self doubt just doesn’t get anything done!
Morton, I think I go through it more now. A natural progression of having written more books…I think. But, I’ve also learned how to power through and that’s been essential!
Those days can be so long, filled with self-doubt and despondency. But they are important – that feeling of utter uselessness points out when the story isn’t quite right and helps us to fix it. It’s the times when I feel on top of the world, whipping out pages and pages without a second glance, that I begin to worry…I should be finding faults, rewriting, hating my inability to write anything resembling quality, not thinking “boy-oh-boy, I’m on fi-yah today!”
Then again, there’s always tomorrow’s downer to point out the issues with today’s delighted type-fest! Enjoy those cookies 🙂
Madeline, I have noticed though that the feeling isn’t ALWAYS right. And that’s the tricky bit. Enjoy the days when you feel on fire too. Because you have to give yourself kudos sometimes! I’ve found that sometimes I feel great, but the book is crap, and sometimes I feel crap and book is great. And sometimes, I feel great, and it’s great too! 🙂 Helpful! I know.
THANK YOU for pointing me here. I missed this post initially and am glad I’ve now read it. It’s reassuring that we all feel the same way. It’s a horrible feeling and it’s a negativity that can eat you up whole if you let it. You don’t, which is good. I do, which is real bad. I shall power through. I’ve got my peashooter primed… I’ll pepper those doubt crows if they persist… yeah! 🙂