Doing it All Part 2
My husband has been out of town for a week. A. Whole. Week. That means it’s been me and the kids (ages 4, 2 and 9mos) hanging out and trying to prevent the house from collapsing around us.
And by the end of the day, I clean the house (again) and light some candles…sit down at the old iPad to write and…decide to go to bed. Or watch TV. Or something that isn’t writing. Or thinking. In other words, very much not doing it all. Not by myself at least!
It reinforces in my mind what a huge, huge thing my support system is for me. My husband* is a key part of my success. Without him, I wouldn’t be getting the output I am with my writing. I don’t know if I would be able to eek out more than a thousand words in a week! (don’t even get me started on anyone also doing a forty hour work week, kids, and writing…my mind boggles!!)
That said, I know women who do it with kids, and without the support of a husband or partner, and with full time jobs, because it’s what they have to do to. I’ve been spoiled with a lot of help, so I’ve come to rely on that help. And I rely on it more than I even realized!
Women are really, really hard on themselves. Because we do want a clean house for our family, and a nice dinner and for the kids to be happy and for the husband to be happy and for the writing to be done and for the book to be published and…and…if all of that doesn’t happen we seem to feel like we’re falling short somehow.
I personally carry a lot of guilt, and it doesn’t come from my husband, or even my upbringing, when I let housework slide. Or when I’m away to write. Even though I’m making money from it, I still struggle with that notion that I should be doing everything for everyone else before I do anything that is for me.
But it’s not about doing EVERYTHING it’s about doing the important things. The things that really matter to our families and the things that really matter to us. Because, as the saying goes, if mama’s not happy, no one’s happy. And taking care of us IS taking care of everyone.
I was really privileged to get to go to Nora Roberts question and answer session at RWA this year, and she said something that really resonated with me. She was talking about how in life, we’re always juggling things. Some things are rubber balls, and some things are glass balls. If you drop a rubber ball, it will bounce. The Pampered Chef party you were invited to will bounce. I’ve decided birthday parties for kids other than close friends have to bounce too.
My boys’ school things, a night with my husband, deadlines that’s glass to me. The rest? Notsomuch.
I’m still working it all out. I’ll readily admit, I’ve sacrificed having much of a social life, and that’s partly due to the fact that I’ve very, very stingy with time. Because my family needs my time, my writing needs time, and then, I really think my husband and I need time, apart from the kids. 🙂
It’s all about that elusive balance really. Figuring out with things will break and which will bounce. (IMO, vacuuming bounces. A little tip from me. 😉 ) I’ve become a master at the fast dinner. I like to cook, but if I can cook fast, that helps the rest of my day go better.
And you know, there’s nothing wrong with feeling satisfied with your day. Even if there are still dishes in the sink. It’ll bounce.
I know it’s been said, and it’s maybe even a little bit trite, but we’re setting an example for our kids by going for our dreams. More often kids are taught that a dream like publication is too slim of a chance, not even worth pursuing. I think too often we let ourselves get told that! But for those of us who have taken that step to try, to go for it, well…that’s really a huge accomplishment all by itself. And one our kids, and hopefully a lot of people around us, will be encouraged and inspired by.
I can’t say my fabulous vacuuming** has inspired many.
We’re all doing the best we can, finding the balance, the one that works for us, and for those we love, and pursuing our dreams. Of that we can all be really, really proud.
* seriously I need him to come back already
** if vacuuming is a glass ball to you, don’t be offended…*kicks crumbs under couch*
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Well put, Maisey, and something I needed to hear this week when life has been so crazy! I think all housework bounces 🙂 And sometimes glass balls don’t break when you drop them by accident. I hope Haven comes home really soon!
Also a good point, Kate! Sometimes we will drop important things…and even if they break…super glue?
He comes home tonight!! Yay!! I need him back now.
I have to say here, and this won’t be a popular view, hands up to that right now, but this obsession with women doing all the housework as well as working and looking after the kids, so the Husband will be Happy and not kick us out for some younger model with a better feather duster and probably No Kids Yet … all that social and personal pressure to look like a housewife and superstar really, truly annoys me.
I don’t keep as tidy house. If my kids make a mess, they either clear it up or they trip over it for days. They made the mess, so theoretically they are capable of clearing it up too. If my husband makes a mess, leaves his stuff everywhere, ditto. And he is expected to do a small number of domestic duties alongside his day job, like washing the dishes and taking out the rubbish, but if he wants a spotless house as well as a hot dinner, and happy kids – and they ARE happy – and a hard-working writer-editor wife, then he’d better go off and find someone else, because it isn’t going to happen.
Luckily, he’s as much of a slob as I am, and we just ignore the mess and carry on.
I defrost a lot too. So sue me.
Not that I think you should change and stop putting pressure on yourself to Do It All, Maisey, if that’s what rings your bell. Some women love doing it all and do it supremely well. Just saying it’s not for me. Thanks, but no thanks. 😉
Jx
I think you misunderstood me, Jane. I DON’T do it all. Not even close! And with my husband gone I realized how much I don’t do it all!! He does tons. TONS and without him here…well, it just wasn’t ALL happening! LOL. I agree,women put too much pressure on. That’s why I said we need to be able to say at the end of the day, I did a good job. And not put all that guilt on ourselves that we tend to!
I don’t do it all either! But sometimes I try. A good day for me is when the washing machine’s as full as can be and whirring away in the background and I’m writing like there’s no tomorrow. That little bit of multi tasking works well for me… now if only I could figure out how to vacuum and write at the same time. 🙂
Chelsea, I want to figure out how to run on the treadmill and write at the same time! LOL. (well, I don’t really want to run on the treadmill…but I want to lose weight and write, which doesn’t seem to work well!)
Hi Maisey!
Hang in there. I can tell you, from experience, it will get better. Do your best. Love your children. Feed them. Hug them. That’s what they’ll remember. Not a messy house.
I was a single mom once for 32 days. Longest 32 days of my life. I will never look at single parents the same way again. They all deserve medals!
Amy
Thanks, Wendy. 🙂 Thankfully, the hubby is back tonight!!
Amy, OMgsh! YOU deserve a medal. 32 days?? AAAAARRRRGHHH!! I love my kids, so much, but…it’s been a challenge.
And yes, single parents, fathers and mothers, deserve huge medals for what they do.
Naughty Haven. Doesn’t he know you need him to be able to write? I guess he’ll just have to stay home from now on 😉
Honestly…the nerve of him. Doesn’t he know he’s to be at my beck and call at all times??
He’s back now though…and I shall not let him away again! 😉
Hubby can home on Wednesday. He was in Japan for 6 weeks. Yep, six weeks. Its the longest he’s been away in one stretch. But in the past year he was in Europe (3 weeks), Went to the US twice (one week each visit) and then spend another three weeks in Brisbane (we live in Sydney).
I too am luck I have a fab support network – my mum and mother in law live close by and help me A LOT.
I also have two – not three kids and the houseworks sometimes is ALWAYS done, and at other times NEVER.
I have a good friend who is a single mother and I take my hat off to her – she is a star in my eyes cause doing it ALL is hard and I HATE HATE how our fellow sisters are our wost critics.
I made a decsion to leave my job and stay at home to help look after my little girl who has a developmental disability and a lot of my time is spent taking her to therapy, taking her to special schools and also trying to do the ‘normal’ things like swimming lessons and going to the park, shopping etc… Yet I have been questioned, by other women as to how I spend my day when I have my kid free days (1.5 of them).
Ummm – forgive me if I decide to catch up with a girlfriend for a walk or a coffee instead of scrubbing my oven/toilet/floors.
Apologies for this has become all about ‘me’.
And I also need to apologise for the poor spelling and grammar. I really should learn how to edit…
When Ben was diagnosed I went through a phase where my only means of controlling anything was to become a Sergeant Major. Housework, homework, shopping, kid time ie bath/shower/bedtime stories etc etc had to be done by a certain time of the day or Aideen was seriously daring a breakdown. And of course I wanted the evenings free to write because it’s what I do, I write my troubles away, or so I thought. Finally after a few years of manic behaviour my mother gave me some advice. She told me that any morning I could get out of bed and tie my own shoes was a day to enjoy. Anything else I acheived after that was a bonus. So sometimes my house is clean, other times it’s not. I don’t own an ironing board because I don’t iron. My husband cooks because I like playing with the children. I love the kids bedtimes, firstly because I love to read to them, secondly because it means they’re out of the picture for a couple of hours and that means I can write/read/call to a friend/google hot men/watch weepy movies or whatever the hell I feel like. It’s my time, I deserve it and I own it!
Raising my diet coke to women everywhere who have the intelligence to know that doing it all just ain’t that doable, and it’s certaily not necessary to begin with.
Lol, sorry Maisey, I do love a good rant and there’s often no stopping it when it happens!
Meh.
My husband is away this weekend too, helping out my second eldest daughter, who’s having a very sad time in her personal life right now, and is several hundred miles away. My turn next weekend – I’m “working”, which means speaking on a publisher panel at a literary festival – but right now, I’m trying to write, edit, cook, tidy as I go along, and yell at the kids who are making an awful noise!
Roll on husband return. Or should I say domestic assistant return? 😉
Jx
NO need to apologize, Janette! After six weeks, you can make it all about you if you want!! (my grammar would be scrambled too!) I agree with you that women put too much pressure on each other, either to be Suzy Homemaker, or to have a high-powered career. It’s just silly, is what it is! Even if your children don’t have any sort of disability, kids are more than full time work. And the fact that anyone could think that you aren’t doing enough is laughable. Hold your head up high because you are one of those women that are making it work and doing above and beyond! Kudos to you on all you do for your daughter. She’s so lucky to have you. 🙂
Aideen, you always say just the right things. I want to frame that. Any morning when you get out of bed and tie your shoes is a success! You know about priorities and you always help me get my head back on straight.
Jane, quite all right. 😉 Yes, the domestic assistants are VERY important!!
Çan I just thank you for being honest enough to post this wonderful post!!! All of it resonated with me. I have a brilliant support system – hubby and mum – who never make me feel guilty but I still feel it immensely. I still feel torn between all my loves and unfortunately writing too often than not comes before things I don’t love – like planning for the day job at the moment! Having little kids is a full-time job without all the housework and everything. Add wanting to write to that and you basically need to be a superwoman but it’s good to sometimes step back and give ourselves the time NOT to try and do it all 🙂
Rach, it was therapy to write it. I want to do so much…everything…and yet I have to admit that I can’t. And be okay with it. And even let myself be proud of what I’ve accomplished on any given day!! We all have to that. And we all need to do what we can to keep our sanity intact!
And hooray for support systems!
Oh, this has really been on my mind the last couple of weeks as I am forced to make choices everyday about how I’m really going to spend my time.
And thanks Maisey for pointing out how much we are an example to our children. I have two teenaged daughters and I don’t want them to miss out on the wonderful things in life because they are obsessing about the unironed laundry or the floors that need sweeping. The strongest statement I can make about that is to make sure that I fill my days with the things that really matter to me.
It can be a tough thing, Julia, but you’re very right! Why sweat the small things? We do need to fill our days with happy things. 🙂